Guard Greetings

So the party is strolling or riding to some city, town or backwood village and usually there is a wall, where there is usually a gate, where there is usually a guard or guards in various stages of boredom. Standing all day guarding a hole in the wall can test the limits of your sanity. How many times have the players approached and the guards shout "Halt, state your business." Then the player smartass replies fly. Well here is a mix of things the guards can greet the players with. Some are more serious and some are very smartass. Why let the players have all the fun?

1. Halt, state your business. (Why reinvent the wheel. This is always the tried and true greeting.)

2. Good day sirs (and ladies) what brings you to our quiet little town? (Same as above, but more polite.)

3. Guards don't say a thing. They don't care.

4. One gold per person, per cart, per horse and per comment I don't like.

5. Adventures, welcome to (insert name here), we have many fine taverns and shops within, but I need to ask you to behave. The guard points to the two bodies hanging from the walls. The lord will not tolerate chaos here so please act accordingly.

6. Name. Place of birth. List of arms.

7. It's been a long time since I've seen a group as ugly as this. I don't think they can pass through my pretty gate. That is unless they pay an ugly tax and by the looks of you it's gonna be high.

8. Archers aim at that one (the guard points at the most annoying person in the party. If the guards are going to kill someone it might as well be the annoying one). If he moves kill him. Kill them all. I don't like this group. Only one of you can go in while the others wait outside. And that one (the annoying player) is not allowed to be the one to go in.

9. I like meat.

10. The guard seems to wake up even though he was standing. Halt. Halt I say. Halt in the name of Lord...ummm.

11. Stop. You need a writ of passage to enter. The Lord requires all travelers to have a stamped writ of passage. Don't have one? You can buy one over there for 50gp.

12. It's raining again and I always get stuck doing the shit duty. I don't know why they hate me. They all hate me. I didn't do a damn thing to them.

13. Good day to you and welcome to our town. Is there anything I can assist you with?

14. All weapons need to be secured. Magic items must be checked in with the mage guild. If this is a problem turn around and go home. This is not an option and I am not interested in arguing about it.

15. Did you see any trolls out there? I heard them the other night growling and hooting in the woods over yonder.

16. By the gods you've arrived at last the lord is waiting for you. (Insert very annoying adventure here.)

17. The guards surround the party and a group of men ride out. This town is not accepting visitors this day.

18. Hey, doesn't that guy look like Harold? Hey buddy can you take off your helmet? Other guard comes walking around. He don't look nothing like him. Yes he does. No he don't. (You get the picture.)

19. A very short guard says, I smell something funny. Smells like trouble. Are you trouble? He points at a party member. (Little guard syndrome.)

20. You may pass. (I'm already running late for work so that's all I got.)