Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Not Your Standard Adventure Introduction

The following is an introduction to a module I wrote when I was a fairly aggressive mood.  It was a lot of fun.  I thought how good it would be to read this at the beginning of an adventure instead of all the standard yapping.  

This adventure is not for sensitive people.  This adventure is not for politically correct people.  This adventure is not for polite people.  I’ve done my best to offend everyone equally.  Enjoy.

A Welcome
If your players are looking for a smash and slash, blood soaked walls, big monsters with big treasure and a body count so high that you need a 16 intelligence to calculate it, then you’ve come to the right place.  Welcome to the adventure, Midnight Tower of the Mind Zombies!  I love that title and not ashamed to admit it.

I’m not going to bother with a background.  Blah, blah, blah.  To hell with the background.  It doesn’t need a background.   No reason is needed.  It’s there because it’s there.  If you need a reason then play Harn or 4th Edition D&D.  No whiners, wussies or LARPers allowed.  This adventure is not for those who need to know, but those who need to do.  Get ready to kick in doors, kill hundreds of critters and if you can survive, walk away with more treasure than your greedy little arms can carry.

DM Rules

1st Rule
No hiding your dice rolls behind a stupid screen.  If you roll three natural 20s in a row and decapitate the cleric so be it.  The player has dice he can roll up another one.  Don’t you dare fudge your rolls.  GMs need to be ruthless.  Don’t waste your time reading all those sensitive blogs about how a GM should give the players a chance and that you are the storyteller.  It’s you against them.  A GM should take advantage of every ruling, situation and use magic items and spells to their full potential.   A character graveyard has been included.  It’s your job to fill it.

2nd Rule
There is no sleeping in the Midnight Tower of the Mind Zombies!  There is no recovering spells as they peacefully slumber.  GMs don’t check for wandering monsters, there WILL be wandering monsters.  Every time a bedroll hits the floor a GM should be calculating how many ghouls come screaming down the corridor ramming the door.  No sleep.  Even if the players come up with some genius way to keep everything out there is still a matter of Methuselah at the bottom of the dungeon handing out nightmares like apples with razor blades on Halloween. 

3rd Rule
Third rule is that every wall, floor and ceiling is fair game.  The players can chop, dig, burn, and disintegrate their way through the tower.  Everything in the adventure is meant to be destroyed.  As can the creatures within the dungeon.  Doors and stairs are merely suggestions.  If the players want to dig a hole in the floor to drop into the next level, let them.  Be sure to surprise them with a few walls collapsing beside them as a hundred liches pour out of the hole.

4th Rule
Have a lot of miniatures.  Get every damn miniature you have.  Don’t get uptight about the paint.  This is battle, paint gets chipped and those stupidly thin crossbows, spears and swords are going to break off.  Let it go.  God made glue from dead horses so you can repair them later.  As I told you in the beginning this adventure is not for the weak willed, this means GMs too.  If I someone complains about a paint chip on a miniature throw them out of the game immediately.  If you as the GM utter a single word you will not be permitted to run The Midnight Tower of the Mind Zombies ever again.

5th Rule
Traps are save vs. dead.  Don’t coddle the players.  It's disgusting.  The character graveyard is there for a reason.  Characters need to die, they know this.  Give them what they want.  Let them see 50d6s roll across the table as a 10 ton block falls fifty feet onto a character.  It is a sight they won’t soon forget.  Dice requirements are listed later.

6th Rule
When a player does something incredibly stupid or fails at a critical moment the GM will award the player a Ribbon of Suck.  If a character earns a third Ribbon of Suck he dies of humiliation and cannot be resurrected.  His soul is forever destroyed by the gods as being a mistake that should have never been created. 

Don’t look for ecological, physiological or theosophical reasons why the creatures are where they are and what they are doing.  The creatures exist to kill the characters.   
There are skill challenges included in the descriptions.  If you have a problem with skills, get over it.  If you don’t think a thief is a class, but being an elf or dwarf is, then go back to your crayons.  Its big boy time.  Go eat at the little table while the adults play a serious game.  

Most adventures will tell the GM to alter anything to fit their setting.  Screw that.  Run it as written.  Don’t cut down the number of monsters, don’t reduce the damage done from a trap and don’t let them sleep.  Don’t touch a damn thing.  Leave it be.  Run it.  Count the bodies.  Laugh with mad joy as the character sheets pile up in the graveyard.  A GM should take great pleasure in killing the players.  A loud laugh lets them know their pathetic death was not in vain.  Rejoice the deaths and don’t touch one fricking word.

Now go get every die and miniature you have.  Borrow more.  Buy more.  Pile the dice in front of you.  Intimidate them with the sheer volume and when they ask just smile.  They’ll find out soon enough.  When they see the character graveyard let them read the names of the fallen on the tombstone.  Feed on their fear.  You will be gorged before the first encounter is over.


  1. Reading that, I thought, "Hey, I've got a stack of blank character sheets right over there. When do we start?"

  2. So, 1st-3rd level?

    Word Verification:


    How'd you do that?

  3. Now *that* sounds like fun! I have a feeling, though, that for my players, a TPK would loom ever closer...

    Word verification: gandolob - when a wizard hurls a ceramic pot of something.

  4. It's like ROLPUNK but better... it's TIMPUNK!

    I got a rush just reading that thing...

  5. This sounds completely and utterly awesome.

  6. "Everything in the adventure is meant to be destroyed. "

    That right there is a thing of beauty. :)

  7. Sounds like fun - you should post the whole thing!

  8. I hardly have time to blog these days let alone play. But please accept my thanks as your post made my day :) This is how playing should be conducted!

  9. Sounds absolutely awesome.

    I'm a little worried that this could be unfun with an adversarial DM :)

  10. I love this post. It's a great deal of fun and I enjoyed being there while you wrote it. All great stuff.


  11. sounds like a bad ass adventure, I love the title

  12. I'll just order the printer ink now shall I? Need more sheets. Lovely. Just lovely.