Saturday, March 29, 2014

Discovering the Amount of Poo You're Willing to Dig Through

Last night, was the first night, where I found myself a member of +Erik Tenkar's B-team.  +Peter V. Dell'Orto and +Douglas Cole rounded out the trio of adventurers that showed for last night's festivities.  Erik used +Joseph Bloch's Castle of the Mad Archmage for the adventure.  He asked his group of B-teamers what mega dungeon did they want to explore and Joe B's mega-dungeon left all the others to eat dust and to choke on rat excrement. 

B-Team Roster
Douglas Cole as Rul
Peter v. Dell'Orto as Mirado
Me as Minister
Man-at-Arms as Red Shirt 1
Man-at-Arms as Red Shirt 2
Torcherbearer as Not Long For This World

So we do what all manly men of adventuring do, we went shopping!

Four healing potions and three new hirelings (see above) our merry band of adventurers journey our little asses over to the entrance of the castle.  Which we find has been commercialized.  They even had a tent.  A group of bored guards ask us what our group name was...we didn't know we needed a name.  We went with either Ogre Heads or Ogre Heds or Ogre Hed, I'm still not clear on that point.  Then we discovered we needed a license.  I was waiting for "Do you have a flag?" next.  Fast forward, we pay the 12gp to avoid the higher taxes when we exit.  Why not, we are frugal, forward thinking men.

Into the castle we go.  Stairs.  They go up and they go down.  We stayed on the first level.  We find mosaics.  Some graffiti wangs and humor about said wangs.  Then we find a mosaic with our three faces on it only aged.  Sans the wangs.  We pondered the significance for a few moments and Minister postures in his liquid wisdom and thus spake, "It is neither killing us, nor making us money, let's move on."  This would be the highlight of Minister's young adventuring career.

We move LEFT into a corridor.  Poked and prodded until we heard the squeak of 2000cp.  Giant rats.  Thousands of them.  They poured out of the walls and ceiling...okay, there were only six, but they were very big.  BATTLE!  Minister gets a big chunk torn out of his haunch.  Rul and Mirando make quick work of five of them, but are unable to defeat the meanest and largest of the pack.  Minister used a technique learned from of Mirland Highlands where he studied with the Viscus Monks and with a frighteningly accurate strike the monstrous rat king lord was killed.

The party fearing the wound would taint my spiritual mojo they insisted on me healing myself.  I did this thing out of respect of my fellow adventurers.

We traversed the maze like corridors of the mad archmage.  We found traps randomly placed.  And we came to a door and we looked inside.  Rhinoceros! Yes, Mirado.  I disbelieve you.  And so it was, a rhinoceros illuseonist.

Then we found a room full of poo...that was it, poo.  A foot and a half deep.  Of poo.

Then we encounter dwarves.  There is no correlation between finding the poo room and then the dwarves, but the elven side of Minister had a good cluck.  We spoke to the little people.  They were timid, but gave us a little lay of the land.  They paid 5gp per kobold ear.  Each head usually comes with two, so that's a 10gp dinger.

Our next encounter was terrifying.  Three zombies wearing boaters and the leader of the trio wore a beaver skin coat and was armed with the deadliest ukulele I'd ever seen.  Minister attempted to turn them with his holy symbol, but has it facing the wrong way and nearly turns himself from the battle.  This was a sign of things to come.  The gods were displeased with Minister and their wraith soon became apparent.  Rul and Mirando hacked and chopped until the undead horde were in too small of pieces to ever attack the living again.

Within another room, we found five potted roses.  I  believe they were from the Baronne Henriette de Snoy variety.  Very nice.   After to simple, but cautious vandalism we found a map...a map that tells us of where treasure is buried.  While I appreciate the effort of the map maker, he obviously did not consider his scale and that the x that marks the spot is a mile big.  So that means if we did 3' x 3' holes to find this treasure we will only have to dig 1,032,533.3333 holes and we should find it.

Our next encounter we engaged in battle with monsters flies from the 3rd layer of Hell.  Their razor sharp legs and massive maws snapped together with enough force to cleave a mailed horse in half.  While Rul and Mirado battle the flies, Minister sees a sign that he's been forsaken by the gods...

This divine sign of punishment repeated itself consistently through the night for Minister.  Like the Scarlet Letter, he bears a Scarelt One on his chest to signify his shame.

Another poo room.  This time the poo is only six inches deep.  Apparently we've discovered how deep the poo limit in depth.  Eighteen inches was too much, but we had no problem sift through six inches.  In the poo we find a silvered dagger.

Into another room and three firestorm beetle with pillars of flame flaring from their backsides charge us.  Rul's blade slices the fiery beetle into parts and wounds the second.  Mirado finished the second one off with a might cleave and nearly kills the third one.  Let it be known that one attack from these beast can kill an entire village.  So it was up to Minister to save everyone.  Feeling the shame of the unholy one on his chest, he finds the strength to rear back his mace and call forth the faith he holds as dear as his life and struck the vicious beetle down.  Within their lair was a gold ring with a ruby inset.

There is another door across the room.  Minister uses his highly trained elven sense to state the obvious, "There is a door over there."  And in we went.  Corridor after hallway after alcove we discover another door.  This door's wood breathed a contempt for all life.  So Mirado opened the door and attacked by three abominations brought to life by necromancy.  But Rul and his sword, dispatch all the efforts of evil in a single swing.  Bones clattered to the floor in a symphony of their futility. 

Although we did find a big X on the floor and wanted nothing to do with it so we left.

It is now getting late.  The torches were burnt to their stubs.  Our rations only had the peas and gristle remaining, but we continued on.  Another door.  Mirado broke it open and was riddled with a shower of magic missiles.  The vile mage was accompanied by two men-at-arms.  And behind them all was a chest.  Minister watched the short battle, but did not want to give the mage another chance to act so his other secret was revealed.  He walked into the room and put the marauders to sleep with a word.  The other members of the Ogre Heds were amazed.  Yes, I to am a mage.

Their look, 400gp and a very nice magical dagger that opened up letters with a single swipe.  Minister had been needing one of those.  We briefly questioned the men-at-arms and discovered they were only hired goons to the mage.  All they wished is to return to the surface world.  The mage we sent him back to the gelatinous underworld from whence he was spawned.

 With now even the peas eaten and the gristle chewed on, we decide just one more room.  After a brief battle with a series of doors be backtracked to the sound of distant laughter.  And it this is where we come full circle.  We started with rats and ended with rats.  After a quick battle our reward is sifting through less than eighteen inches of poo.  We discover a broken golden chain.

With our loot in hand.  Our red shirts still intact, although somewhere in the mix we lost the torchbearer, but I hadn't noticed.  We journeyed to the surface. 


  1. This time the poo is only six inches deep.
    This is a sentence one doesn't read every day.

    Although we did find a big X on the floor and wanted nothing to do with it so we left.
    Don't trust the map? Or not the right spot?

    Sounds like a fun game!

    1. The X on the floor was different from the X on the map.

  2. "It is neither killing us, nor making us money, let's move on."

    I've stolen this for my "battle cry generator." What a classic line.

    The game sounded hysterical, between rooms of poo and killer ukeleles....

    1. I thought it wasn't half bad myself. Mike Rowe has got nothing on us.

  3. Somehow I don't remember quite as much poo as you seem to have encountered...

    1. I'm guessing Eric took some liberties with the amounts of poo.

    2. shit, the last time I ran anything "as written" the writer stopped writing, stopped blogging, went "Kickstarter MIA" and may have kicked a puppy (not sure about the last bit).

      What's a few changes amongst friends? ;)

  4. Great write up! Sounds like the session was a blast.